I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
