I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
