last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
