why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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