I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
