you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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