I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
