I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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