his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You're like the curious george of whores
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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