Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
