Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
