New invention idea: vibrating tampons
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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