Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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