i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
