sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
