So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
