I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
