Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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