she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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