I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Someone came in the potted fern
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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