If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
