I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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