i permit you to call me
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
