bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
