do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
