if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
