T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Sober January is a disaster.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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