i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
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