I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
