Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
