Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you traded sex for a burrito?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
