A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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