My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
