I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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