like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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