He is like the real live version of the state fair..
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
