hotel room ftw
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
