I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
