Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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