Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
