Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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