My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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