He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
