it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
