My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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