i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
