I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
