so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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