He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
