If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
