I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
