All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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