those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
