Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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