White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
