Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
