Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
