The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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