so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You took a bar mat shot.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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