Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
